Wednesday, June 2, 2010


In conjunction with the official unveiling of the 23 players who will carry the burden of English (over)expectation in South Africa later this month, I have completed my analysis of each member of the squad. Enjoy!

JOE HART: quality keeper but inexperienced at international level

DAVID JAMES: an absolute clown, calamity

ROBERT GREEN: awful season with a relegation-threatened club is hardly preparation to stop Brazilian, Spanish, Argentinian forwards                      

JAMIE CARRAGHER: real defender but sufficiently lacking international experience

ASHLEY COLE: detestable imp in the John Terry mould but unfortunately our best left-back

RIO FERDINAND: captain. if fully fit, our best defender

GLEN JOHNSON: a liability defensively, better at coming forward

LEDLEY KING: great defender, but when exactly was the last time he played for England? or even strung two matches together?
JOHN TERRY: slow, over-rated, a dirty rat. there would probably be more cheers if he broke his  leg in the first minute against USA than if he lifted the trophy
MATTHEW UPSON: average. can someone please remind me why he's in the squad again?

STEPHEN WARNOCK: tough-tackling, decent cover for Cashley, barely any international experience

GARETH BARRY: reliable holding midfielder, if fit, could have a vital role to play for England

MICHAEL CARRICK: out of form, mistake-prone, no special skills, why is he going to the World Cup?

JOE COLE: another mysterious one. had limited playing time this season, boring to watch, does nothing
STEVEN GERRARD: incapable of passing to a team-mate in an England shirt, lousy

FRANK LAMPARD: annoyingly quiet as soon as the England shirt is put on

AARON LENNON: flying winger with bags of pace. could be a jewel in our crown. but does he have the strength to help out defensively?
JAMES MILNER: love this guy, hardworking, stamina, power, goalscorer. could be our star of the tournament
SHAUN WRIGHT-PHILLIPS: really can't work out why he's on the plane to South Africa. Anyone?

PETER CROUCH: tall, good skill, terrible at heading, good scoring record for England though

JERMAINE DEFOE: quiet finish to the season, not really too sure about him, fast, strong(ish), hmm...

EMILE HESKEY: and when did Heskey play a game for Aston Villa this season?

WAYNE ROONEY: the talisman, most talented player in the squad by a mile, power, touch, awareness, goal-scorer and creator, shame he's in a pants team

So what do you think? Do you share my views? Or feel differently about these players? I think they're a bunch of monkeys who will once again fail miserably. I hope beyond hope that I'm wrong, but come on, let's get real. Anyway, for what it's worth......



  1. Duncan - sorry to say but thats a pretty shocking summary of the players (IMHO). I'll add my summary at the weekend as I'm busy busy busy with work.

    One quick summary from the top of my head.

    Ledley King - finished the season with 3 games in a row for Spurs. Played one of the recent friendlies. Were it not for a chronic knee problemk he would be the best defender in the squad by a mile. I reckon he's played about the same, if not more games than 'birdbrain' over rated and out of position rio ferdinand this season.

  2. Well danny, looks like I was pretty much spot-on!!


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